Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...

ISIS Leader Alive but in Hiding Because ‘He Got Fat,’ Source Says

ISIS Leader Alive but in Hiding Because ‘He Got Fat,’ Source Says

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was not killed in a Russian airstrike, a well-placed source has told The Mideast Beast, but has not appeared in public in recent months because “he got fat.” “Abu is fine, the bomb missed him,” ISIS chief strategist Sadiq al-Bannon said in a text message. “But he’s been having a little too much shawarma and hasn’t wanted to appear on camera.” Al-Bannon’s statement immediately drew criticism. Former first daughter Chelsea Clinton lashed out at the...

Middle Eastern Dictators Jealous of Trump Over Cabinet Meeting of ‘Blessings’

Middle Eastern Dictators Jealous of Trump Over Cabinet Meeting of ‘Blessings’

Saying that their own supporters had never shown quite such a level of fawning flattery, strongmen from across the Middle East and beyond are reportedly aching with jealousy over President Trump’s cabinet meeting last week. The meeting – in which cabinet members went around the table thanking Trump for the “blessing to serve [his] agenda” – has convinced many dictators that their own lackeys are insufficiently committed to praising them. “I used to think that supporters calling me a lion...

Paul Ryan Defends ISIS Saying, ‘They’re New at This’

Paul Ryan Defends ISIS Saying, ‘They’re New at This’

Asking that the public show some patience and understanding, House Speaker Paul Ryan defended the Islamic State and its leadership, saying the group was “new to this.” “Listen, ISIS has only been around three or four years. They aren’t steeped in all the long-running protocols, like the Geneva Convention,” Ryan told reporters. “Who hasn’t, in the first couple years running a new organization, beheaded a few people or taken a couple Yazidi sex slaves?” Ryan added that he sympathized with...

Needing Change of Scenery, Hamas to Focus on Creating Puerto Rican State

Needing Change of Scenery, Hamas to Focus on Creating Puerto Rican State

Saying that it needed to shake things up after three decades of fighting for a Palestinian state, the militant Islamist group Hamas announced that it will relocate to Puerto Rico and spend an undisclosed period of time fighting for statehood in the US territory. “Listen, we love the Palestinian people and are committed to creating an Islamic state in all of Palestine, but thirty years is a long time to spend in the Middle East,” said one senior commander for...

Facebook Commenter Finally Thinks of Perfect Response to Thread from 2014 Gaza War

Facebook Commenter Finally Thinks of Perfect Response to Thread from 2014 Gaza War

Sam Schwartzman, a Jewish Long Island resident, announced today that he has finally thought of the perfect response to a July 2014 Facebook comment criticizing Israel for its actions during that summer’s war in Gaza. The comment, posted by 31-year-old poet and waiter Rob Erikson, was the 132nd in a long series of comments responding to a Wall Street Journal editorial a mutual friend had posted defending Israel’s actions during the war. The thread quickly turned into a vicious argument...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv during today’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly straight in the city is a near death sentence, as heterosexuals are thrown from rooftops, stoned to death or forced to watch season two of...

Turkey, Iran to Provide Food and Water to White House

Turkey, Iran to Provide Food and Water to White House

Saying that it feared its diplomatic isolation could lead to humanitarian crisis, the White House announced that it has accepted food and water deliveries from Iran and Turkey. The move comes after nearly all the administration’s Washington, D.C. neighbors cut off diplomatic relations with the White House following allegations by former FBI director James Comey that the country’s leader had obstructed justice. The moves came as a shock to White House officials. “We really don’t get why nobody likes us...

ISIS to Join Paris Climate Accord

ISIS to Join Paris Climate Accord

Saying that that he looked forward to a future in which his children could live in a global Caliphate without the fear of rising oceans, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that his country has replaced the US in the Paris Climate Agreement. “We believe that future generations should live in a world without infidels – and with polar bears,” al-Baghdadi said at a press conference announcing ISIS’s entry into the deal. “I am committed to reducing our carbon footprint...

UN Pulls Support for ‘O.J. Simpson Palestinian Women’s Center’

UN Pulls Support for ‘O.J. Simpson Palestinian Women’s Center’

UN Secretary-General António Guterres has once again dissociated his organization from a controversial Palestinian women’s center, after Palestinian officials changed the facility’s name to the “Martyr O.J. Simpson Palestinian Women’s Center.” The center’s new name caused embarrassment for both the UN and for Norway’s foreign ministry, which had sponsored the project. The controversy comes a week after the Palestinian Authority named another center after Dalal Mughrabi, who killed 38 Israeli civilians, including 13 children, in a 1978 terror attack. “At...

Trump Reverses Muslim Ban After Falafel Shortage Rocks US

Trump Reverses Muslim Ban After Falafel Shortage Rocks US

President Trump reversed an executive order banning immigrants and visa holders from seven Muslim countries Sunday after a nation-wide falafel shortage brought protestors to the streets in several major cities. Just hours after the ban went into place, long lines had formed outside falafel shops across the country, as beleaguered halal vendors struggled to meet the demand for the deep-fried chickpea street food. By Saturday night, Americans from across the political spectrum had taken to the streets in anger after...

Turkish President Hires Greg Gianforte as Press Secretary

Turkish President Hires Greg Gianforte as Press Secretary

Republican Greg Gianforte has turned down a seat as Montana’s lone congressman, announcing Friday that he will instead accept a position as Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s press secretary and head of security. “I am greatly honored that the voters of Montana have elected me after my body-slam of a Guardian reporter,” Gianforte said in a statement released Friday morning. “However, the backlash following my heroic actions prove that assaulting innocent Americans is only truly tolerated if you work for...

Kendall Jenner Tapped as Israeli-Palestinian Peace Envoy

Kendall Jenner Tapped as Israeli-Palestinian Peace Envoy

Citing her “tremendous success” in bridging the gap between the police and the Black Lives Matter movement, President Trump announced he has appointed Kendall Jenner to lead Israeli-Palestinian peace talks for his administration. “Listen, this Kendall Jenner, I’m hearing great things,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “I hear she does amazing things with Pepsi, and she is being recognized more and more. She’s going to solve this conflict so fast it’ll make your head spin.” “And let me tell you,...

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Calling it a perfect solution to longstanding tension over the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, President Trump has proposed a plan to raze the entire site and replace it with the ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel and Mosque.’ Trump unveiled his plans just one day after meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Israel. After considering how to accommodate Jewish access to the site of the First and Second Temples and Muslim access to the Al Aqsa Mosque, Trump said he...

Ivanka, Jared Kushner Visit Confirms Saudi Opinion of Jews

Ivanka, Jared Kushner Visit Confirms Saudi Opinion of Jews

Saying that they were disgusted but a bit relieved to learn that their stereotypes were in fact spot on, Saudi officials reportedly emerged from meetings with Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner more certain than ever of their negative opinion of Jews. “My whole life I was told that Jews were immoral and obsessed solely with money and power, but I couldn’t know for sure since I had never met one,” one Saudi prince confided to The Mideast Beast. “But after...

Afghans Vow to Free US from Russian Occupation

Afghans Vow to Free US from Russian Occupation

Nearly four decades after Americans helped their country drive out Soviet forces, Afghan leaders have pledged to return the favor by freeing the US from Russia’s grasp. “We will never forget that in 1979, when the Russians overthrew our rulers and installed a puppet government, Americans had our backs,” Taliban Emir Hibatullah Akhundzada told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the shoe is on the other foot, we have a responsibility to act.” On Saturday, Afghan forces set up a headquarters...

ISIS Leader to Trump: ‘Stop Calling Me with Nuclear Codes’

ISIS Leader to Trump: ‘Stop Calling Me with Nuclear Codes’

Saying that he just could not deal with the constant phone calls, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has asked US President Donald Trump to stop calling him at all hours of the night to discuss US state secrets. “At first, I thought it was a tremendous victory that the head of the infidels would call me, unprompted, and tell me about confidential US military missions or which of my fighters is secretly a spy,” the ISIS caliph told The Mideast...

Arab Countries Ask to Borrow US Constitution While Americans Aren’t Using It

Arab Countries Ask to Borrow US Constitution While Americans Aren’t Using It

Promising to return it promptly whenever the US needs it back, a number of Middle Eastern countries have asked President Trump if they can borrow the US Constitution “since you guys clearly aren’t using it right now.” “I read the American Constitution, and it actually isn’t bad,” said one Saudi citizen. “It’s all about the rights of the people, and checks and balances. And there’s nothing about beheading infidels or forcing women to stay at home.” He added, “I’m not...

Israel Searching for Tiny Chair for Erdogan

Israel Searching for Tiny Chair for Erdogan

Pulling a page out of its diplomatic playbook, Israel’s foreign ministry plans to respond to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s diatribe against the country by forcing the Turkish leader to sit in a tiny chair during his next visit. Officials pointed to the success of a similar measure in 2010, when then-deputy foreign minister Danny Ayalon forced the Turkish ambassador to sit in a low chair in response to a negative portrayal of Israel on Turkish television. The move was...

Marwan Barghouti Announces ‘Gluten Strike’ Until Demands Met

Marwan Barghouti Announces ‘Gluten Strike’ Until Demands Met

Backing away from his previous full hunger strike, former Palestinian militant leader Marwan Barghouti has vowed to maintain a completely gluten-free diet until his demands are met. “Until me and my fellow prisoners are either released or given a fair trial, I will abstain from eating any food or beverage products containing gluten,” Barghouti told The Mideast Beast. “If my suffering does not spur the Israeli people to demand justice, then nothing will.” Barghouti, jailed for his role during the Second...