Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’

ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’

In a move aimed at terrorizing US citizens, the Islamic State has announced a new initiative to sit back and do nothing while Americans slaughter each other in mass shootings. “The whole point of radical Islamic terrorism is to prevent people from gathering at church, in school, or at movie theaters without the fear of falling victim to an act of senseless violence,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained. “Since there’s not much more we can do on that front,...

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast. “Then out of nowhere, these antifa jackasses come out with the exact same routine and act like they invented it.”...

Israel to Move Its Embassy from Washington to Mar-A-Lago

Israel to Move Its Embassy from Washington to Mar-A-Lago

In a reciprocal gesture following the US president’s decision to move its embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that his own country’s US embassy will be moved from Washington DC to Mar-a-Lago. The move will bring Israeli diplomats closer to Donald Trump’s “Winter White House,” a Trump-owned Florida resort where the president enjoys meeting with foreign officials. “Just as Jerusalem is the eternal home of the Jewish people, there is no place that more embodies...

UN Sends Trudeau to Syria to Halt Misgendering

UN Sends Trudeau to Syria to Halt Misgendering

With the conflict in war-torn Syria escalating, the United Nations has appointed Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as a special envoy to combat gender-exclusionary language in the country. “Years of bombing, torture, and chemical warfare have tragically led some participants in the Syrian Civil War to turn to words that alienate whole groups of people based on their race, sex, or gender orientation,” Trudeau said in a statement. “I mean, does ISIS think about how calling its offshoot the ‘Yarmouk...

Al Qaeda Demands U.S. Adopt Metric System

Al Qaeda Demands U.S. Adopt Metric System

Calling it his group’s ultimate and final demand, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri released a message this week, threatening massive attacks against U.S. targets unless Americans immediately and exclusively begin using the metric system. “For years, we have fought against the American crusaders for their imperialism, their attacks on Muslim countries and their support for infidel regimes,” Zawahiri explained in the video. “But it seems like now ISIS has got that covered, so if the Americans will just adopt the...

Israel Puts Plans to Convert Al-Aqsa Mosque into a Katz’s Deli on Hold

Israel Puts Plans to Convert Al-Aqsa Mosque into a Katz’s Deli on Hold

After weeks of unrest in Jerusalem following rumors among Palestinians that the Al-Aqsa Mosque was in danger, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that plans to convert the mosque into a Katz’s Delicatessen have been suspended indefinitely. “After a number of terrorists said their sole reason for stabbing random Jews in the street was that they felt Al-Aqsa was under threat, we decided now wasn’t the best time to announce that Islam’s third holiest site would be converted into a...

ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities

ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities

After years of unsuccessful efforts to cause widespread devastation in the American homeland, ISIS leaders are turning towards fans of the Philadelphia Eagles for advice on how to destroy an American city. “When I turned on the TV and saw shattered glass, overturned cars and people rioting in the streets, I assumed one of our martyrs had carried out a major attack,” Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “I was shocked to learn that these valiant warriors were...

Iranian Feminist with Bad Haircut Is Conflicted on Hijab Protests

Iranian Feminist with Bad Haircut Is Conflicted on Hijab Protests

One of Iran’s leading feminists admitted that she has conflicting feelings about the country’s anti-hijab movement, noting that while she supports women’s empowerment she is also determined to keep her bad haircut hidden. “Listen, I get why Iranian women are doing this. And they’re right – in principle, I feel very strongly that women should not be forced to cover their head in public,” the activist, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told The Mideast Beast. “But now is a...

Abbas Honors the Dozens of Jews Killed During Holocaust

Abbas Honors the Dozens of Jews Killed During Holocaust

In a move aimed at building trust with world Jewry, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas marked International Holocaust Remembrance Day with a statement honoring the “dozens of Jews who tragically lost their lives.” “We must never forget that the horrors of Nazi rule robbed nearly 100 Jewish individuals of their lives,” the statement read. “While this tragedy does not reach the level of the Rwandan genocide or Clay Aiken’s loss in the 2003 American Idol series, it is a tragedy nonetheless.”...

Egypt’s President to Clone Self to Allow for Contested Election

Egypt’s President to Clone Self to Allow for Contested Election

Saying that he is committed to turning Egypt into a model democracy, Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi announced that he will employ scientific breakthroughs recently used to clone a macaque monkey to create a duplicate of himself. The breakthrough will allow Sisi, who has disqualified or arrested all potential challengers for his office, to permit a second Egyptian to seek the nation’s highest office without fear of arrest. The president had drawn criticism from international observers after ex-general Sami Anan...

ISIS Further Decimated by ‘Tide Pod Challenge’

ISIS Further Decimated by ‘Tide Pod Challenge’

Already reeling after losing nearly all its territory in clashes with Iraqi forces, ISIS has been dealt another blow after half the terror group’s soldiers died attempting the “Tide Pod Challenge.” The devastation struck after a group of young jihadis were killing time on patrol in the town of Abu Kamel, Syria and came across a video issuing the challenge – to eat pods filled with Tide laundry detergent – on YouTube. Insisting that they were much braver than any...

Khamenei Jr. Hopes Strip Club Tape with Yair Netanyahu Doesn’t Leak

Khamenei Jr. Hopes Strip Club Tape with Yair Netanyahu Doesn’t Leak

Leaked tapes of Yair Netanyahu’s strip club visits have led Ayatollah Ali Khamenei Jr., the son of Iran’s supreme leader, to fear that his own drunken escapades in Tel Aviv will be made public. The recently released tapes show the younger Netanyahu at a Tel Aviv strip club while heavily intoxicated. Though the Iranian leader’s son cannot be heard on any of the tapes, he is well aware that his own trip with Yair to the White City’s houses of...

Palestinians Call for Trump-Bannon Peace Talks

Palestinians Call for Trump-Bannon Peace Talks

Describing the ongoing conflict between the US president and his former chief strategist as “unsustainable,” Palestinian leaders have called for peace talks between Donald Trump and Steve Bannon. “With around-the-clock negotiations and compromise on tough issues, we believe a resolution to this seemingly intractable dispute is possible,” Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas declared, adding emphatically, “We want this conflict to end!” Abbas proposed two rounds of negotiations. The first would deal with issues seen as manageable, such as Russia, Roy Moore,...

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

Admitting that the group had nearly run out of underage girls for its fighters, the Islamic State has reached out to former US Congressman Anthony Weiner, offering the embattled politician asylum in the caliphate in exchange for his contact book. The offer comes as Weiner, once a leading candidate in New York City’s mayoral race, faces possible jail time after he allegedly exchanged sexually explicit messages with a 15-year-old girl through Twitter. “Anthony, join us in the land of the...

Armenians Demand US Recognize the ‘Rachael Ray Genocide’

Armenians Demand US Recognize the ‘Rachael Ray Genocide’

Saying that their own struggle for recognition should take a backseat, Armenians are demanding that the US acknowledge the ‘Rachael Ray Genocide,’ during which the celebrity chef and alleged war criminal called hummus “Israeli.” James Zogby, the president of the Arab American Institute, was the first to note the international law implications of Ray’s message, tweeting back “Damn it @rachaelray. This is cultural #genocide.” The Armenians, whose own massacre at the hands of the Ottoman Empire remains unrecognized in the...

James Zogby Blasts Iranian Protestors for Distracting Attention from Rachael Ray’s ‘Genocide’

James Zogby Blasts Iranian Protestors for Distracting Attention from Rachael Ray’s ‘Genocide’

Calling demonstrators taking to the street against the Iranian regime “whiny prima donnas,” Arab American Institute President James Zogby demanded protests end so attention could turn back to chef Rachael Ray’s culinary tweets. “Instead of complaining about 38 years of corrupt, theocratic rule by dictators who use murder, rape and torture to silence dissidents, these Iranian snowflakes need to let us focus on the real issues,” said Zogby. “Rachael Ray called hummus ‘Israeli.’ I mean, that is a true genocide.”...

Turkish President Sentences Enes Kanter to 25 Years with Knicks

Turkish President Sentences Enes Kanter to 25 Years with Knicks

In a move that activists are calling a gross human rights violation, Turkish authorities have sentenced NBA player Enes Kanter in absentia to 25 years on the hapless New York Knicks. The sentence comes after Kanter, an up-and-coming star, was convicted of insulting Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan in a series of tweets. It likely means the six-foot-eleven center will spend the rest of his career with a franchise that has won just one playoff series since the turn of...

After Erdogan’s Revelation, Muslim Leaders Say Islam is Not to Blame for America’s Problems

After Erdogan’s Revelation, Muslim Leaders Say Islam is Not to Blame for America’s Problems

After Turkish Premiere Recap Erdogan revealed only 24 months ago that America was discovered by Muslims, religious leaders from across the Muslim world continue to assert that the faith takes no responsibility for the current state of the country. “As a Muslim, I would like to make abundantly clear that we are not to blame for anything that’s taken place in America for the past 800 years,” said Abdullah bin Abdul Muhsen, Secretary-General of the Muslim World League. “Islam is...

Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children

Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children

Santa Claus will be switching to natural gas to put in naughty children’s stockings this Christmas, as the low cost of the gas due to fracking has made coal economically inviable. “While coal has been my preference for punishing bad children for two millennia, I cannot ignore how economic trends impact our bottom line,” Claus told The Mideast Beast. “The low price and abundance of natural gas make it a natural transition.” Santa also considered instead purchasing crude oil from...

Virgins Hope They Don’t Get Stuck with Loser Times Square Terrorist

Virgins Hope They Don’t Get Stuck with Loser Times Square Terrorist

Virgins across paradise are praying that Akayed Ullah, who set off a pipe bomb strapped to his chest Monday near New York City’s Times Square, survives his wounds and does not become a martyr after his attack failed to kill any infidels. Since Sharia law dictates that anyone who dies fighting for Islam is awarded 72 virgins, Ullah, who pledged allegiance to ISIS, will be entitled his allotment should he succumb to his wounds. Following the pathetic attack, in which...