Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

ISIS Plans to Strike US in ‘Operation Loiter in Starbucks’

ISIS Plans to Strike US in ‘Operation Loiter in Starbucks’

In an attack that could cripple the US economy and the American way of life, the Islamic State plans to send terrorists to Starbucks locations across the country and occupy seats without making a purchase. Memos from ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to the group’s US sleeper cells describe the strike as the “9/11 of loitering,” as agents will spend hours in the coffee chain’s most comfortable seats without buying so much as a bottle of water. Not only would...

Natalie Portman Joins BDS, Boycotts Herself

Natalie Portman Joins BDS, Boycotts Herself

Saying that she has finally come around to support the cultural boycott of Israel, Jerusalem-born actress Natalie Portman is reportedly urging fans not to watch any of her movies. The actress, who last week cancelled a trip to Israel in response to the recent conflict on the Gaza border, has gone to great lengths to make sure none of her fans support her movies. “I was about to rent ‘The Phantom Menace’ from a Redbox, and she just appeared out...

Corbyn Holds Memorial for ‘German Reputations’ Lost in Holocaust

Corbyn Holds Memorial for ‘German Reputations’ Lost in Holocaust

As people in Israel, and throughout the world, mark Yom HaShoah, or Holocaust Memorial Day, UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn issued a touching eulogy to the thousands of Germans who saw their reputations suffer under Nazi rule. “We can never forget the terrible tragedy of Europe’s concentration camps, where innocent Germans were verbally attacked simply for doing their jobs,” Corbyn said in a heartfelt speech. “Every citizen of the world can imagine the suffering of these poor guards, scientists and...

Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’

Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’

Warning that their tolerance for the GOP president’s actions has its limits, House and Senate Republicans insisted that the assassination of special counsel Robert Mueller would be “a red line” for the president. “While I believe the investigation into Russian meddling in our election to be baseless, the president should let Mr. Mueller do his job without interference,” House Speaker Paul Ryan said in a statement. “His assassination would draw much concern from Democrats and Republicans alike.” South Carolina Senator...

Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists

Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists

Impressed by reports of Israeli snipers gunning down Palestinian journalists, US President Donald Trump has asked Israel’s government for advice on how to deal with hostile media. “When I so much as hint at offing a nosy reporter or point out that CNN is the enemy of the American people, everyone goes through the roof,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “But those Jews can just pick off whoever they want and get away with it.” Israel has come under fire...

Trump Bans Queen from US Due to Relation to Prophet Muhammed

Trump Bans Queen from US Due to Relation to Prophet Muhammed

Promising to take no chances when it comes to America’s security, US President Donald Trump has banned the UK’s Queen Elizabeth II amid reports that she may be a descendent of Prophet Muhammed. “I am hearing reports, very troubling, that the Queen is actually a Muslim terrorist, and I am issuing a complete ban on the royal family until we can figure out what the hell is going on,” Trump said in a press conference announcing the ban. “I have to...

Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama

Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama

Lamenting that the former first dog did nothing as his owner escalated a campaign of drone strikes and targeted killings, leftist activist Noam Chomsky is calling for Bo Obama to be brought before The Hague for alleged war crimes. “While Barack Obama violated the Geneva Conventions, the 1907 Hague Restrictions and the customary laws of war with his killings of civilians in Pakistan, Yemen, and Somalia, we heard not so much as a bark from his best friend and accomplice,”...

Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules

Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules

Once an outspoken anti-Semite and Holocaust denier, former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced plans to return to Judaism after a group of Conservative rabbis overturned an 800-year ban on eating kitniyot, a group of foods that includes rice, beans and legumes, during Passover. “The only reason I converted to Islam in the first place was because I could never go eight days without bread, rice, beans or corn,” Ahmadinejad told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the they’ve finally changed those...

Biden Vows to Give Assad a ‘Noogie’

Biden Vows to Give Assad a ‘Noogie’

Calling the Syrian strongmen an evil tyrant who desperately needs to be brought to justice, former Vice President Joe Biden has vowed to track down Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and give the Middle Eastern leader a “noogie.” “If we were back in high school, I would find that sucker, put him in a headlock and dig my knuckles into his skull until he cried ‘uncle,’” Biden declared Friday. “And you know what? That is exactly what I’m going to do.”...

Middle Eastern Observers Certify Russian Elections

Middle Eastern Observers Certify Russian Elections

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s landslide re-election complied with international standards, according to election monitors from across the Middle East. “In polling stations throughout the country, Russian voters were free to cast their ballots without fear of intimidation or retribution,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad said in a statement. “Votes were counted thoroughly and accurately by disinterested parties, and the results reflect the will of the people.” Egypt’s Abdel Fattah el-Sisi echoed Assad’s statement, adding that the leadup to the election also...

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Saying that he was determined to prove himself to be the smartest of the president’s children, Eric Trump has released a series of e-mails sent to ISIS leaders begging for a meeting with a senior member of the terror group. “My brother is all over the TV becuz (sic) he got to meeted (sic) with the Russians,” said one e-mail addressed to “Mister Bag Daddy,” an apparent misspelling of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s name. “I have to show dad...

Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran

Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran

In a bold move made in response to President Trump’s upcoming meeting with the North Korean dictator, former Secretary of State John Kerry has demanded Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un turn over all its nuclear weapons to the Islamic Republic of Iran. “If Rocket Man is serious about avoiding war with America, he is going to have to turn over all his nukes to the only person in the world that we can truly trust,” Kerry declared as he boarded a...

Trump Hides Stormy Daniels Non-Disclosure Agreement in Mideast Peace Plan

Trump Hides Stormy Daniels Non-Disclosure Agreement in Mideast Peace Plan

Looking to make sure that the document detailing his affair with the porn star never sees the light of day, US President Donald Trump has hidden his “hush agreement” with Stormy Daniels in his Mideast peace proposal. Trump has been searching for ways to release the non-disclosure agreement without anybody noticing. Given low expectations for his Mideast peace proposal, he concluded that the document has a good shot at being completely ignored. “Look, the Israelis and the Palestinians don’t want...

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

Taking the unusual step of defending its sworn enemy, the Islamic Republic of Iran has called a fairly recent NRA advertisement that’s still making the rounds, “a bit dark” for its dystopic portrayal of the United States. “Listen, we eagerly await the destruction of the Great Satan as much as anybody, and we believe America is the cause of all the world’s evil,” Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, told The Mideast Beast. “But the NRA goes a bit overboard. I mean,...

Trump Rushes into Iraq Unarmed, Destroys ISIS

Trump Rushes into Iraq Unarmed, Destroys ISIS

Backing up his claim that he would have stopped the Parkland high school shooter, US President Donald Trump has charged unarmed into Syria and put an end to ISIS, saving countless lives. Calling civilians who fled their homes rather than fight the terror group “disgraceful,” Trump immediately left the Oval Office and boarded a plane for Iraq, parachuting into ISIS’s last remaining strongholds near the country’s border with Syria. Despite walking with a slight limp due to painful bone spurs...

ISIS to Abandon Jihad and Focus on Preparation for 2022 Olympics

ISIS to Abandon Jihad and Focus on Preparation for 2022 Olympics

Embarrassed after both Syria and Iraq were shut out in the 2018 Winter Olympics medal count, leaders of the terrorist group announced that the organization will be taking a four-year break from jihad to improve its showing in the 2022 Olympics. “For the past four years, we have been so focused on purging the Levant of infidels that we have completely neglected curling and ice dancing,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted. “We have an eternity to reestablish the caliphate,...

Assad Considers Banning AR-15

Assad Considers Banning AR-15

Saying that he could only stomach so much violence, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly considering banning assault rifles like the AR-15. “After seeing students gunned down at school in Florida, I feel I must take action to prevent our own children from being harmed,” Assad told The Mideast Beast. “I mean, yes, I do occasionally drop cluster bombs, barrel bombs and gas on Syrian children, but those are terrorist children so they don’t count.” Assad wasn’t the only Middle...

NRA Asks Yemen for Tips on Increasing Mass Shootings

NRA Asks Yemen for Tips on Increasing Mass Shootings

With the US ranking second in the world in mass shootings per capita, the National Rifle Association has sent a delegation to Yemen to find out how to move into the top spot. “When it comes to gun ownership and violence, there is a lot that we can learn from Yemen,” said NRA chief executive Wayne LaPierre. “The United States is the greatest country in the world, and there is no reason that we should be second in anything.” Yemen,...

ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’

ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’

In a move aimed at terrorizing US citizens, the Islamic State has announced a new initiative to sit back and do nothing while Americans slaughter each other in mass shootings. “The whole point of radical Islamic terrorism is to prevent people from gathering at church, in school, or at movie theaters without the fear of falling victim to an act of senseless violence,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained. “Since there’s not much more we can do on that front,...

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast. “Then out of nowhere, these antifa jackasses come out with the exact same routine and act like they invented it.”...