Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides

Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides

Despite the public relations boost it would give to an organization desperately trying to stay relevant, Islamic State officials have decided not to recruit rapper Kanye West to the terror group. “Honestly, we could probably get him to sign on as our spokesman in 15 minutes,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast, noting West’s dramatic vacillation over his support for US President Donald Trump. “Aggrieved young men from middle class backgrounds who are insecure about their masculinity,...

Saudis Claim Khashoggi Was Hillary in a Wig

Saudis Claim Khashoggi Was Hillary in a Wig

In the latest of a string of increasingly desperate calls to the White House, Crown Prince bin Salman has claimed that the reporter known as ‘Jamal Khashoggi’ was in fact former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, acting out an elaborate deep state, Soros led, black-op to cause a division in the US-Saudi relationship. A spokesman for the Prince commented, “So to be honest we were running out of options. Even John Bolton wasn’t buying that Kamal was a dangerous radical...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream

Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream

In another effort to infuse social justice into its products, Ben & Jerry’s has released a new ‘Mintifada’ ice cream to honor “the heroic activists who stood up to the shifty Jews” during two Palestinian uprisings. Along with its mint base, the ice cream will include pop rocks representing the suicide bombs used against Jewish targets and small pebbles referencing the rocks thrown at Israeli tanks and cars. “Alongside all those nutty chunks, this pint packs a powerful message under...

“Israeli-Palestinian Peace Unlikely During My Term in Power”, God Admits

“Israeli-Palestinian Peace Unlikely During My Term in Power”, God Admits

HEAVEN — On Thursday evening, God acknowledged that a negotiated settlement to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict “is not in the cards” during his remaining time in power. “While God believes steps can be taken to minimize violence and perhaps set the table for future negotiations, He has determined that a final status agreement is beyond reach for the foreseeable future,” one of God’s senior advisors told The Mideast Beast. “At this point, God’s goal is simply to preserve the possibility of a...

War Reporters Disappointed to Learn That Yemen Just Always Looked Like That

War Reporters Disappointed to Learn That Yemen Just Always Looked Like That

Arriving in Sana’a, Yemen, 24-hour cable news reporters thought they’d struck gold. As CNN’s Bud Fugg explained, “The whole place is totally destroyed. Ruins! What visuals!” Yet as Fugg and his colleagues began collecting footage and talking to locals, they were disappointed to learn that this was pretty much how the city always looked. “Turns out,” reported a mournful Fugg, “that the place has always been a massive shit hole.” Other reporters told of similar experiences. “My guy is filming this...

Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween

Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween

As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an evening would indeed be a cool costume for this Tuesday. Rumors from within the Israeli Parliament say that when Netanyahu...

Israelis and Palestinians Demand End to 50 Cent-Ja Rule Conflict

Israelis and Palestinians Demand End to 50 Cent-Ja Rule Conflict

Declaring that the both sides in the dispute need to put the past behind them, Israelis and Palestinians have come together to call for an end to the longstanding conflict between rappers Ja Rule and 50 Cent. The joint plea for peace between the two New York City rappers comes after 50 Cent reignited the feud when he bought 200 front-row seat tickets to Ja Rule’s concert in Arlington, Texas. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas offered to host peace talks, declaring that...

All Jewish Pensioners to be Armed

All Jewish Pensioners to be Armed

In a further bid to control gun violence in America, all Jewish retirees are now to be armed and given full close quarter battle training by SWAT teams. An NRA spokesperson commented, “We fully support the President’s comments that things could have turned out differently if the worshippers had been packing heat. It’s clear that 97-year-old Rose Mallinger could have stood a much better chance if she’d had the ability to shoot back. Probably not a 9mm pistol as the recoil might...

European Court of Human Rights Rules Death Penalty OK for Infidels

European Court of Human Rights Rules Death Penalty OK for Infidels

Reversing its longstanding opposition to capital punishment, the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) ruled that the death penalty is admissible in cases when the defendant does not accept Prophet Muhammed as his or her savior. “While we remain generally opposed to any government ending the lives of even the worst criminals, people who reject the divinity of the Prophet Muhammed, May Peace Be Upon Him, could stir up prejudice and put at risk religious peace,” the recent ruling stated....

Saudis Hire OJ to Find Khashoggi’s Real Killers

Saudis Hire OJ to Find Khashoggi’s Real Killers

In a move aimed at highlighting his commitment to bringing those responsible to justice, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman has hired NFL Hall of Famer OJ Simpson to investigate the killing of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “My primary goal in life is to pursue the real killer or killers of Jamal. They are out there somewhere,” the Saudi leader said in a press conference. “And there is no one who knows more about finding real killers than OJ Simpson.” The Saudi...