Radical Islamists Form New LGBTQ+ Terror Group

Radical Islamists Form New LGBTQ+ Terror Group

Inspired by the success of the annual Tel-Aviv Pride Parade, closeted terrorists throughout the Middle East have decided to unite and show their true colors by establishing a new pan-Arab LGBTQ+ terror organization. “At first, we were afraid we would get our heads chopped off, or worse, our dicks. However, our long-standing suspicion that there is a large population of gay terrorists throughout the region turned out to be correct,” commented one representative of the group, who identifies as a...

Six People Blinded as Hezbollah vs. IDF Snowball Fight Turns Nasty

Six People Blinded as Hezbollah vs. IDF Snowball Fight Turns Nasty

An epic snowball fight between Hezbollah militants and Israel Defense Force soldiers over the weekend has left at least six young men sightless. According to a Hezbollah fighter who took part in the skirmish on the Israeli-Lebanese border, “It was all good natured at first but took a turn for the worse when a bunch of guys from ISIS arrived with metal poles and wooden bats. Next thing I know, one Zionist has me in a bear hug while another...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Trump to Demolish Rep. Tlaib’s Home Following Profane Outburst

Trump to Demolish Rep. Tlaib’s Home Following Profane Outburst

Calling the action “the only effective deterrent against this behavior,” President Trump has ordered the National Guard to demolish the home of Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib following her use of profanity and threat to remove him from office. Tlaib, a Palestinian-American elected to Congress in November, told a group of supporters that Democrats would “impeach the motherfucker,” referring to Trump. Her comments earned scorn from Republicans and irked Democrats who sought to downplay talks of impeachment. Within hours of her comments,...

Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”

Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”

With an estimated 400,000 deaths and millions of displaced civilians, the Syrian War has been at the forefront of the world’s consciousness and news networks. While most have painted President Bashar al-Assad as a criminal who pushed his country to destruction, he contends his motivations to continue the war are righteous. “Do you think anyone in the US knew where Kabul was before they went to war with the Taliban and al-Qaeda?” posed Assad. “Then after the Iraq war everyone...

Israel Defense Forces Agree to Adopt Bow and Arrows

Israel Defense Forces Agree to Adopt Bow and Arrows

After confirming that security forces in Cameroon killed a potential suicide bomber with a poisoned arrow, Colonel Bill Giles of the IDF’s Novel and Interesting Weapons Department, has confirmed that they will be testing the idea from next month. “To be frank we’re fed up with the international criticism that follows when we don’t give rockets a fighting chance to land on something important. So the new trial will have some of our soldiers with the strongest wrist action lined up on...

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Saying that the first-century preacher and possible messiah has been treated “very unfairly,” US President Donald Trump acknowledged that he is considering a pardon for Jesus Christ. “These Byzantines (sic) were really bad hombres, and they really treated this Jesus Christ guy very unfairly,” Trump said in a Tweet. “A lot of people don’t know this, but he was crucified by Puny Pontius Pilate. Sad!” Trump added that Christ is finally beginning to get recognition. The president was informed of...

SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The elite operators of SEAL Team Six have reportedly been deployed to the downtown Washington area in an attempt to track down an individual holed up in a confined space and raging against the injustices of the Western world. The special forces unit best known for bringing bin Laden to justice were apparently brought in as one of the final acts of outgoing Secretary of Defense, General Mattis. A spokesperson for the unit commented, “When ‘Mad Dog’ calls, we answer....

Warren to Campaign in Burqa After Learning She is 1/1024th Middle Eastern

Warren to Campaign in Burqa After Learning She is 1/1024th Middle Eastern

US Senator Elizabeth Warren announced the launch of her 2020 presidential campaign while donning a full burqa, an Islamic garment which covers a woman’s body and face, after a DNA test showed that she is nearly 0.1% Middle Eastern. Warren’s surprising move came after the senator and presidential candidate backed away from claims of Native American ancestry. Instead, Warren will now focus on her one great-great-great-great grandparent believed to be from the Islamic world in order to claim the status of...

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS/ISIS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

In a rare call for restraint from the terrorist group, ISIS’ leadership has criticized the UK’s Labour party for its anti-Semitic rhetoric, calling recent comments and online posts from the party’s leaders “a bit much.” “Listen, we hate the Jews as much as anyone, but you can’t just go around calling for Israel to be relocated to America, or saying Hitler was a Zionist,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “You have to show some sensitivity. Hell,...