Al Qaeda Demands U.S. Adopt Metric System

Al Qaeda Demands U.S. Adopt Metric System

Calling it his group’s ultimate and final demand, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri released a message this week, threatening massive attacks against U.S. targets unless Americans immediately and exclusively begin using the metric system. “For years, we have fought against the American crusaders for their imperialism, their attacks on Muslim countries and their support for infidel regimes,” Zawahiri explained in the video. “But it seems like now ISIS has got that covered, so if the Americans will just adopt the...

Fight the Power: Help TMB Overcome Facebook’s “Screw You” Update to News Feeds

Fight the Power: Help TMB Overcome Facebook’s “Screw You” Update to News Feeds

So… TMB is able to survive and flourish thanks, in a huge way, to our fantastic and loyal Facebook followers (that’s YOU!!). The wise-owls at Facebook decided a couple of weeks ago to completely change the way they decide if people see posts from Pages that they follow. Sadly, this change is a big issue for content providers, like us. We’re sure there is a good ‘big business’ / ‘algorithm’ justification, but for sites like ours, it’s a killer change....

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Israel Puts Plans to Convert Al-Aqsa Mosque into a Katz’s Deli on Hold

Israel Puts Plans to Convert Al-Aqsa Mosque into a Katz’s Deli on Hold

After weeks of unrest in Jerusalem following rumors among Palestinians that the Al-Aqsa Mosque was in danger, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that plans to convert the mosque into a Katz’s Delicatessen have been suspended indefinitely. “After a number of terrorists said their sole reason for stabbing random Jews in the street was that they felt Al-Aqsa was under threat, we decided now wasn’t the best time to announce that Islam’s third holiest site would be converted into a...

ISIS Loses Everything in Bitcoin Crash

ISIS Loses Everything in Bitcoin Crash

ISIS has reportedly been devastated by the recent Bitcoin crash. The Mideast Beast was able to speak with members of ISIS’ investment branch, Jihad Investments and Security Matters or “JISM,” to detail the devastation wrought by the declining prices. “We bought at around $19,000 and now its back down around $7,500. We poured 80% of our budget into this crap thinking we could make a JISM value explosion and save ISIS. We couldn’t have gotten fucked harder if Trump had...

Trump Furious at His Low Ranking in Threat to World Peace

Trump Furious at His Low Ranking in Threat to World Peace

WASHINGTON D.C. — Donald Trump has reacted with fury at being rated as an equal threat to world peace as the rise of jihadi terrorism, in an Economist Intelligence Unit report. In a statement to the press he said; “I’ve always been a winner, just like America, and I won’t accept equal place with a bunch of guys that frankly I couldn’t even point to on a map. And I refuse to learn more, because learning is for losers.” He...

ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities

ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities

After years of unsuccessful efforts to cause widespread devastation in the American homeland, ISIS leaders are turning towards fans of the Philadelphia Eagles for advice on how to destroy an American city. “When I turned on the TV and saw shattered glass, overturned cars and people rioting in the streets, I assumed one of our martyrs had carried out a major attack,” Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “I was shocked to learn that these valiant warriors were...

Syrian Government Responds to Rebel-Held Swimming Pool Crisis

Syrian Government Responds to Rebel-Held Swimming Pool Crisis

In a promising move towards peace in a troubled region the Syrian Government today airdropped relief chemicals to make rebel-held swimming pools safe to use. A spokesman for the government commented, “We may be on different sides of the fence when it comes to who governs this great country, but we are united when it comes to fighting fungal infections that can really ruin your pool time. So, we leaped into action the moment we heard about this brewing crisis.”...

The Hummus Fight (New Video!)

The Hummus Fight (New Video!)

In the long-awaited sequel to ‘I’m Palestinian, My Roommate is Jewish’, roommates Sammy Obeid and Toby Muresianu have a hummus battle to decided to decide whose hummus is the best: Israel’s or Palestine’s. Who will emerge victorious, and who do you think invented hummus? Click here to watch the video:...

Scientologists Blast Netanyahu Over Alleged Planned Illegal Settlement on Comet

Scientologists Blast Netanyahu Over Alleged Planned Illegal Settlement on Comet

As the world applauded the historic engineering achievement which landed a space probe on a Comet 67P, some observers were less pleased. The Scientologist community was up in arms this past week over an alleged Israeli plan to ‘create an illegal settlement’ on Comet 67P, noting that several of the scientists involved in the Rosetta mission are Israeli and are probably members of The Mossad. “This is an obvious land grab,” one Scientologist member explained. “The cosmos belongs to Scientologists,...

Iranian Feminist with Bad Haircut Is Conflicted on Hijab Protests

Iranian Feminist with Bad Haircut Is Conflicted on Hijab Protests

One of Iran’s leading feminists admitted that she has conflicting feelings about the country’s anti-hijab movement, noting that while she supports women’s empowerment she is also determined to keep her bad haircut hidden. “Listen, I get why Iranian women are doing this. And they’re right – in principle, I feel very strongly that women should not be forced to cover their head in public,” the activist, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told The Mideast Beast. “But now is a...